"Happy Friday" my manager yells cheerily this morning to a tired staff, "let's get excited!", I can't. I woke up with a stabbing pain at the base of my skull and as I climbed out of bed I was reminded that my lower back and legs suck too. My whole upper body aches as if I just worked out yesterday after a long break, I didn't. My jaw even hurts today and that's a new one. The depression is really intense today. I turned on some worship music in my phone and it helped, but once I turned it off, I was left with my thoughts again which are like a child screaming for a toy he can't have at Target. I guess Friday is just like all the other days.
How do other people deal with chronic pain? Does anyone come out of it? All I can think about is how much Acetaminophen (among other things) I take each day to make things tolerable and how bad that stuff is supposed to be for you. At least Pot is natural, would that be better? I am sure that would open a whole new can of worms.
Last night I watched "The Michael J. Fox Show" and that was a bad idea. It's a perfectly good show, but for a father who is not what he used to be it's not very encouraging. Is this the future? I don't have Parkinson's but I do have chronic pain that seams to be progressing forward and not backward. Why is it that when I should be thinking of ways to enjoy my family before the kids have all grown, all I can think about is drugs, death, and the things I can't do anymore? It is truly a living hell. Who does a person talk to when their body looks fine but EVERY part is in revolt? Nobody wants to hear about this, it's depressing. Hell, the only reason I'm writing it is to somehow release the stress from my head.
I'm tired of staying up late so nobody can see me flip out while hiding from tomorrow. I need something good to happen before this get's any worse.
Yeah it is Friday, so I will be able to go home and hide for a couple of days, but Monday is waiting.
Friday, September 27, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
As good as it gets?
Chronic Pain Entry #1
I am sitting at my desk taking a short break. The pain in my head and neck is so distracting I can't think straight. It's only 11am. The pain in my lower back makes it hard to sit. All I can think about is my next pain pill, I will take that in an hour. As I hold my head in my hands I wonder, is this as good as it is going to get for me?
Yesterday I waited at Kaiser for two hours for one document and one prescription. That is one of five prescriptions I refill per month. After that I waited a half hour at the chiropractor's office. The pain meds I took this morning aren't helping, so I wonder why do I take them? I realize this IS better than without the pain meds. A flood of depression just hit me and I want it to go away. My faith reminds me that there is hope, but that is no help for the stabbing pain that never goes away. I really do trust God, and I have seen with my own eyes people healed of incurable physical problems. I wonder if I'll have one of those stories
A friend of mine lost her mother this week and I can't stop thinking, is ten years of constant pain meds going to take me out? What will my family do without my income? I have no savings. How am I going to do this forever? I can barely do it now at 42. I think about this much more than I'd like to.
I can't wait, I just took some Excedrine Migraine... my head is killing me.
I had hoped writing this would help, it isn't. The depression is awful. I hope the last page of this blog makes the first one worth it.
Troy
I am sitting at my desk taking a short break. The pain in my head and neck is so distracting I can't think straight. It's only 11am. The pain in my lower back makes it hard to sit. All I can think about is my next pain pill, I will take that in an hour. As I hold my head in my hands I wonder, is this as good as it is going to get for me?
Yesterday I waited at Kaiser for two hours for one document and one prescription. That is one of five prescriptions I refill per month. After that I waited a half hour at the chiropractor's office. The pain meds I took this morning aren't helping, so I wonder why do I take them? I realize this IS better than without the pain meds. A flood of depression just hit me and I want it to go away. My faith reminds me that there is hope, but that is no help for the stabbing pain that never goes away. I really do trust God, and I have seen with my own eyes people healed of incurable physical problems. I wonder if I'll have one of those stories
A friend of mine lost her mother this week and I can't stop thinking, is ten years of constant pain meds going to take me out? What will my family do without my income? I have no savings. How am I going to do this forever? I can barely do it now at 42. I think about this much more than I'd like to.
I can't wait, I just took some Excedrine Migraine... my head is killing me.
I had hoped writing this would help, it isn't. The depression is awful. I hope the last page of this blog makes the first one worth it.
Troy
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