As good as it gets?

Chronic Pain Entry #1

I am sitting at my desk taking a short break. The pain in my head and neck is so distracting I can't think straight. It's only 11am. The pain in my lower back makes it hard to sit. All I can think about is my next pain pill, I will take that in an hour. As I hold my head in my hands I wonder, is this as good as it is going to get for me?

Yesterday I waited at Kaiser for two hours for one document and one prescription. That is one of five prescriptions I refill per month. After that I waited a half hour at the chiropractor's office. The pain meds I took this morning aren't helping, so I wonder why do I take them? I realize this IS better than without the pain meds. A flood of depression just hit me and I want it to go away. My faith reminds me that there is hope, but that is no help for the stabbing pain that never goes away. I really do trust God, and I have seen with my own eyes people healed of incurable physical problems. I wonder if I'll have one of those stories

A friend of mine lost her mother this week and I can't stop thinking, is ten years of constant pain meds going to take me out? What will my family do without my income? I have no savings. How am I going to do this forever? I can barely do it now at 42. I think about this much more than I'd like to.

I can't wait, I just took some Excedrine Migraine... my head is killing me.

I had hoped writing this would help, it isn't. The depression is awful. I hope the last page of this blog makes the first one worth it.

Troy